Fendy is going off to Bangkok tomorrow morning. With 2 guys and a girl. Yes, his friends. I so wanted to go too but too bad, I couldnt take leave and Fendy couldnt care less. Had several huge fights with him cos of this. Fuck man. I am so pissed off. We've talked again and again. I just cant help feeling bitter abt this. He's going tomorrow morning and coming back on Monday morning. Yes. 3 fucking nights. He didnt even tell me that there was a slight ammendment and they will come back on Monday morning instead of Sunday. *Sigh* I dont know whether I am being unreasonable or what. I am pissed off cos there is a girl. And that girl is NOT ME! I've been super moody lately. Always screaming at Fendy in anger or making sarcastic remarks. Sometimes I even cry. I have the urge to break up with him. Why? Cos my mind keep picturing stupid things happening between him or a girl or him in Bangkok with other tourists or something. I know I'm just tormenting myself. But how can I be so sure that something horrible wouldnt happen? How can I be so sure he wont fall in love or lust with somebody else there? WHAT? Trust, you say? Sometimes it isnt just abt trust. Sometimes, situations may propel us to do something foolish or impulsive. FUCK MAN. Arhgh. My mind keeps playing all these images. And when that happens, I get this heat-rushing-to-my-face and oh-i-feel-so-sick-i-feel-like-puking sensations. Actually more like chest-tightening and oh help me I'm feeling claustrophobic.. ARgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I mean, they are going to be in Bangkok. What's in Bangkok? Other than the markets and all? Yes, drugs. Yes, strip shows and dont-know-what else. Yes, tourists. Gorgeous, open-minded tourists. I trust Fendy. Butttttt.. he is a guy afterall. I know he wont drink. But others?????? Fendy keeps telling me that such things wouldnt happen and that I'm letting my imagination run wild. Am I? I'm so worried. I feel so miserable. I'm gonna be alone during the weekend. At home, in front of the PC prolly listening to the 'Lonely.. I'm so Loneelyyyyy' song. I'll prolly bite all my nails in anxiety and my mind would prolly play all these wild images over and over again. Yes. I can just imagine that. In fact, I know for sure that that will happen. Anybody wanna redeem me from that fate(Ok fine, it's just a weekend buttttttttttt...)? *Sigh* I told Fendy not to call me at all till he gets back. I told him not to call me before he goes tomorrow. I just dont want to fight with him and knowing me, I'll say lotsa nasty things. Fendy was saying that he will call me often when he's there. But I told him that I dont want to hear his voice even. I dont want to get angry when I hear him having fun. I cant imagine him sharing a room with his friends and all. And NOT ME. He promised me that the girl will be sleeping in a different room with one of the guys. And he promised me that he wont let the girl touch him and he wont touch the girl or anything. Not even a hug. And he promised me that he wont even lie on the same bed as the girl. But PROMISES are meant to be broken. FUCK, I know what I'm doing. I'm on the road to self-destruction. Destructing myself and my relationship. Breaking myself. Things we girls tend to do so often. *SOBS* I should stop this. I have a very strong urge to run to Jay and break up with Fendy. That's like running away from the fireplace to jump into a furnace. Even worse. I shouldnt even think of that. But I just feel like hurting Fendy. Sad. But true. This is me. *Sigh* I am jealous, bitter, miserable and angry. I told Fendy I dont want to ever go to Bangkok, cos he's gone there with his friends and a girl. I told him that I dont want to hear anything about Bangkok when he comes back. But I did tell him to get bags, shoes and accessories for me. And I told him not to let ANYBODY choose anything for me. NOT TO EVEN ASK ANYBODY's OPINION.
I think I'm going nuts. I really don't know how I'll get through these 4 days. I dont know if I'll go crazy by Sunday night. I have no plans. No plans at all to help me get through these 4 days. This will be(hopefully) the longest time me & Fendy will be apart. It scares me. The images my mind keeps playing scare me too. HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??????????????????
OK, abt 18hrs to go. I hope this crazy, super-possesive and self-destructive person will survive this ordeal. Yes, it's an ordeal. Ok, I need to get ready to meet Fendy. I think I am gonna say lots of nasty, hurtful things to him and I'm prolly gonna regret it a week later but I cant help it. Goshhh.. i soooo feel like leaving Fendy. A part of me thinks that Fendy doesnt love me anymore and that the reason is because I am fat and ugly. I keep looking at him looking at people when we are together. I feel like the thing that's going thru his mind is ' Gosh, look at all these gorgeous girls. What am I doing with this fat, frumpy,bitter, possesive and ugly bitch?' It's driving me insane. It brings tears to my eyes whenever that thought crosses my mind. Fendy said that I like to assume things. Gosssshhh... I am so like my father. More than I would like to believe. This is scaryyyyyyyyy...
~your smile made the difference~
--9/01/2005 05:02:00 PM--
