Two bloody long days. I was feeling so miserable yesterday. I was on MSN from 7pm to like 12.30am. I called Fendy and spoke to him for a while and I actually cried after the conversation. I really miss him a lot. It's true, absence makes the heart grows fonder!!! Anyway, he's enjoying himself so maybe I should do the same. I chatted with Sheels. Yessssss.. she has a webcam and I could finally see her perfect set of teeth again. -- Miss ya girl. Cant wait for you to come back to Singapore!!!!-- And after that I chatted with a couple of other ppl. And I downloaded lots soppy, soppy songs. One of them was Bruce Springsteen's Secret Garden. Ok, fine you can't really call that soppy. But it is to me. It was me and one of my ex's song. It triggered a thousand memories. We were so in love then. We thought nothing could destroy our relationship and that we would always love each other. I remember that we always told each other that we completed each other(Yes.. like the movie!). We were also very loving, feeding each other, making cards for each other and writing love letters to each other. But look at us now. What happened to those days? Was it possible that things can just change one day and crash, boom, bang, we lost our feelings for each other? I was with him for 4 1/2yrs. I have obviously gotten over it. But it was strange to bump into him. He was somebody whom I wanted to marry and father my children. He was also somebody I talk to for hours everyday. He was somebody I know so well. And now, he's just a mere stranger. Weird. It makes me scared. If you were to tell me then that we won't be together one day, I would not believe you. Will this happen to me & Fendy too one day? (CHOYYYYYY!!!) I surely hope not. I love Fendy so much. And I love his company. One good thing abt us is that we are like friends and we do crazy things together. But again, I think I may have said the same things about my relationship with my ex when I was so crazily in love with him then. Hrmph.. but I must say that what I have with Fendy is even more special. We just connect. We have great chemistry (and bio!! ;p) and we just understand each other. He also tolerated the mindgames I played with him. And he tolerated my mood swings. But I'm still scared. We dont know what the future holds. Things may happen and destroy everything. Just look at my sister. Just look at hurrican Katrina. For now, I can only hope that me & Fendy will be together forever. And yes, we can also work on our relationship. I can't imagine growing old without Fendy. I can't imagine having other men's children. I can't imagine saying 'I Love You' to another man. I can't imagine a million other things. I'm scared... :(
Anyway,to continue, I only logged off yesterday when I couldn't open my eyes anymore. I went back to my room and laid in bed. Then my itchy hands just had to call Fendy. I called like 6 times and they were no reply. On the 7th time, it went straight to the voicemail. A part of me thought that the battery must have been weak and the phone may have died. Afterall, I knew Fendy didnt get any sleep the night before cos he was working so he would most prolly be sleeping. BUTTTTT.. there is another part of me. The part that likes to torment myself. Images of Fendy with a girl on his lap and of him undressing and making out with a girl while I called and him switching off the phone cos I was disturbing his hot moment flashed through my mind. I was breathless for a moment. Then I told myself not to be stupid. I know Fendy wouldnt do that. We've been together for more than 3 years. I know what Fendy is like. He is not a dickhead. Neither is he such an immoral guy. I know he wouldnt even touch another girl with a bargepole. I think I've watched too many movies abt people having affair. And I also think that me being untrue in my previous and not so previous (shh) relationship also played a part. I knew things could happen and I believe in Karma. I also think my genes has something to do with it. My fraternal grandfather and his siblings are neurotics. And they are always suspicious of people. Weird but true. Most of them are like that. It is one of my greatest fear to end up like them actually. Anyway, the images keep flashing through my mind and I was like having real difficulty breathing. Luckily the moment passed. I tried to tell myself not to be so stupid and to imagine Fendy sleeping, snoring away. Then I tried to recall as much of the wonderful moments I had with him and that somehow managed to convince me that Fendy is really sleeping. I then took my book and read a couple of pages. Reading takes my mind off things and I dont want those things to be the last thing flashing through my mind before I fall asleep. I could get nightmares and nightmares abt such things are a big NO NO if I want to survive through this ordeal. So, last thing I remembered was Zarleena visiting Joel's penthouse to cook for him (Yes.. from the book..Brides & Bindis). Next thing I know, it was 6.45am and it was time for me to get ready to go to work. I had a dreamless and nightmareless sleep. In fact, I slept like a baby. c",) Now I'm at work and gonna knock off in 8 mins. I cant wait to get home and watch some TV. But let me warn you, I will most likely end up in front of the computer again......
~your smile made the difference~
--9/03/2005 11:45:00 AM--
