it has been ages since i laugh. I need some happiness in me. I need some peace. I need some solace.
Now even my sis is angry with me. I am fucked up. I am super fucked up. No, nobody fucked up my fucking life. I fucked it up. I fucked it up ultra-badly. I am a bloody loser. People just kept nagging at me and pointing fingers and tell me i am bad. Am i? Am i so fucking bad? I am so screwed up. I thought i dont have any more tears to shed.. but i am wrong again. I am always wrong. God.. please take my life.. but please let Fendy know that i love him very much. He brought so much love and happiness in my life. I dont know what to do anymore. Everything i do is wrong. Everything.
I thought i have been a good person. I care a lot abt people's feeling and i try not to hurt them. I did not disrespect the parents. I didnt care if they hurt my feelings or if my other family members hurt my feelings. I didnt show them my tears but just accepted what they say with a mask. But everything i do is wrong. It seems i am the most evil person in the world. Worst than Bush. *sobs* I cant stand all these anymore. *sobs* Help me or take away my life god. Please. Please. Please. I beg you. I beg youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
I'm sorry Fendy. I am so sorry for feeling this way. I love you very much but my life is so fucked up. I dont think i want to fuck up yours too. *sigh* Dont worry peeps, i wont commit suicide, no way. Cos i know it is sinful. But more importantly cos i want to be Fendy's wife, the mother of his children (his and mine of course!) and in Islam, if you are married to somebody and if neither of you remarry, then you will be together in heaven, in eternity. And i love Fendy so much that i want to be with him forever. Hrmph.. mayber God.. i am sorry, i changed my mind... please give me strength to go through all these and please give me your guidance. Please god. I know there is a reason for everything. And please god, please soften the parents heart so that they will allow me to go. Please god. Please, please & please (xInfinity)!
~your smile made the difference~
--1/25/2005 05:11:00 PM--
