Everything's fucked up now. The Dragon doesnt allow me to go Bintan. All cos i didnt go visiting for Hari Raya Haji. STUPID! FUCK MAN! I am moving out. Yes, that means i will be disowned etc. But i have no choice. And NO.. it is not cos of Bintan only. The Dragon said i have to go home after work everyday and cant go out. FUCKING shit. And he told me not to think that i can make my own decisions. FUCK. Hasnt he controlled me enough? Ive been good enough.. but to him i am a criminal. FUCK lah. I even apologized to him yesterday. And you know what he says? He said, "You think that is enough?" I almost asked him if he wants me to die for that! FUCK.. he is making me increasingly suicidal. I know you will think i have no IMAN (faith) and all that.. but you will only know if you are in my position. I am sick of all these. Nevermind Fendy who loves me a lot. My life is just so fucked-up. If i dont move out, then i will lose my sanity and kill myself. I keep picturing myself jumping down from somewhere. It is sick and it is sinful, i know. But what am i to do? Why does god throw all these to me? Hasnt he given me enough test. I am sick of living. I asked Fendy to marry me tomorrow or something and we can buy a flat or if all else fail, then to rent a flat. BUTTTTTTTt.. Fendy said that this is not what we want ie. we want something better, a better life. Dang.. what am i to do? I know i will be disowned if i move out.. that is ok.. but what if the Dragon refuse to be the witness for my marriage? I will be doomed. What if Fendy's parents get angry with me cos i move out? What if I & Fendy dont work out? So many what ifs. For your info, no i am not moving out to Fendy's or moving out with Fendy. I am thinking of renting a room. Perhaps if I am desperate, then i will go to my cousin's. FUCK. MY LIFE IS FUCKED UP. I am so depressed. I kept crying. I cant sleep properly. I cant pray - cos i am having my bloody period. Someone pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee... *sobs*.
~your smile made the difference~
--1/24/2005 02:35:00 PM--
