I have very low self-confidence... i wish i could do something abt it. People always think that i am shy.. perhaps i am not that shy.. but just that i have no confidence to speak (funny.. cos i liase with all sorts of ppl in my job!).. I am scared to tell jokes cos i am afraid it wont be funny. I fear when i tell jokes, ppl will look at me blankly. I need to do something abt this. I will just clam up when i am in front of ppl.. not my close friends... but ppl like Fendy's friend. I envy those ppl who dont give a hoot abt what other ppl say. I wish i could be like that. I wasnt that tongue-tied with ppl last time. I believe it could be due to my weight.. i have this stupid notion that Fat ppl cannot afford to make mistakes.. i know.. it is so stupid.. but i just cant help it. I feel like since i am so fat and ugly.. ppl will tend to criticize me more than if i were slim. Dang... really need to do something abt it. Perhaps i need to see a psychiatrist.. or perhaps i simply have to lose weight. I dont know. *sigh* I hate it when guys (other than Fendy) look at me.. cos i feel they are thinking that i am so fat and ugly that i shouldnt even be out of the house. Dang.. i need to do something abt my weight.. it is affecting me in such a big way.. never knew my confidence could go to this level. Yes.. i definitely need to lose weight.. hope that will bring my confidence UP.
One funny thing ... even though i have such low confidence.. a lotta ppl think that i am rather snobbish, proud or confident.. which is so so different from the real me. Ppl also tend to get embarass or shy with me. Weird.. i can never understd this. All my life.. i have low self confidence (maybe not as bad as now).. but ppl have always thought me to be a confident person.. except for those who really know me. Most ppl will like speak normally to their other girl friends.. but then they will lower their voice when they talk to me. Or they will behave themselves more when i am there. Why? Cos they think i cant take fun? Cos they think i will take offend? Hrmphh.. and one weird thing.. ppl seem to squeal with delight or get shock or blame it on Fendy when i swear. I dont understd that.. i swear a lot (not often in front of ppl) .. but what makes them think it is so out-of-character for me to swear? Hrmph.
Another thing that is so weird.. is that.. ppl think i am sweet,soft, gentle, decent and feminine.. which is so untrue (exc the sweet and decent part..hehe.. cos i am decent. eek.. that is so sec sch.) .. hehe. (that is when they think i shouldnt swear or they shd talk to me softly) I dont think i look feminine or soft or gentle. When i was in SP.. there was a schoolmate of mine who forbid me to wear cargo pants.. cos she said it wouldnt suit my feminine image.. and i was like, "What feminine image?!?". Even Fendy first thought that i am feminine.. but he thinks otherwise now.. hehe.
I just wanna say to ppl.. I AM NOT SOFT, GENTLE and FEMININE and i dont need to be spoken to in a different manner from other ppl. And yes.. i love to swear.. and the fave word in my dictionary is FUCK. ;p
Moral of the stories..."Dont Judge a Bloody Book By its Bloody cover".
Am i babbling rubbish? Am I? Hrmph..
~your smile made the difference~
--9/21/2004 03:03:00 PM--
