Dang.. i need to seek help. I think i need to do something abt my self-confidence. Hrmphh. Been spending the whole night crying.
Yesterday me and fendy and his friends went to a banghra party @ Full Moon Beach bar. Me and Fendy was okie... until i felt so ugly. There were so many beautiful slim girls there and i felt so horrible. We were lovey dovey.. until i made a joke to Fendy and he just 'jeling' me and i felt horrible. Then he went to the Gents.. and i dont know why.. i just kept picturing that if i were to go outside.. i will see him with another girl or exchanging numbers with them or something. And i actually trust him but i dont trust i am good enough for him. When Fendy came back to the table, he was rather withdrawn and i thought he must have passed by so many gorgeous girls who were dancing and must be thinking what the hell is he doing with somebody fat, ugly and boring. It just keeps running in my head. It was horrendous. And i keep picturing Fendy looking ard for a girl aft i left for hom. It was so disturbing that i left at 12.30am though for once this yr my curfew is 1am. I told Fendy i had to leave and said bye to his friends. But what i did was bad i guess cos when Fendy wanted to send me off, i just walked off. Hrmpph.. what must his friends think of me. I bet they think i am angry with Fendy or something.. but that is not true.. i am angry with myself. I think myself NOT WORTHY of Fendy or for anybody else actually.
And when i got home, Fendy refused to pick up his HP and i did very stupid things. I called one of his friends twice and sms and called another one of his friends, asking him to ask Fendy to pick up the phone. Man.. that was so embarassing. What the fuck was i thinking? To his friends... i am so sorry. To Fendy.. i am sorry.
But i just feel so horrendous, surrounded by so many beautiful girls... i feel so worthless....... sometimes ppl think i am happy with myself but they are so wrong.. i have 0 self confidence. Totally 0. Even when i am with Fendy's friends and my colleagues, i cant be myself.. cos i keep thinking that ppl must think i am boring, unfunny, unsporting and totally horrendous company. I think i am fucked up. When i go into the MRT.. i keep thinking that ppl say 'Look at this fat ugly girl,why she even bothers to wear make-up and go out of the house.' Hrmphh.. this is my nature. That is why i am also constantly in shawls. It used to be cardigans. When ppl ask me why i keep wearing shawls or cardigans i will tell them that that is my self-confidence. That is true... cos i depend on it to cover myself. God.. i think i need a psychiatrist.
Another thing abt me is that i constantly seek approval from ppl and i think it must be tiring for them. I always want ppl to laugh at my joke and ppl to think i am nice. What the fuck is goddamn wrong with me? Whoever you are, if you are reading this.. you will probably think i am crazy and will stay away from me.
~your smile made the difference~
--7/11/2004 12:06:00 PM--
